October 12, 2007

Good afternoon, all.

With the move behind me, I recently got down to the
business of catching up on my inbox. I had simply
tossed mail into a basket for well over a month (more
like two) and it was starting to pile up (sometimes I
wish I was more Type A). So one morning last week, I
dropped the kids off at school, made a cup of tea and
intended to spend the morning catching up. Imagine my
surprise when I opened an important looking envelope
only to discover it was a court summons for a simple
speeding ticket. Hmmm. Imagine my surprise when I
realized my scheduled court date had come and gone.
Hmmm. Looked as if I had missed my day in court. Not
unlike our justice system, the Brits frown upon people
who do not show up in court. I panicked. I made a few
phone calls and frantically started to look at the
fifty forms included in the envelope. This was
overwhelming, but after reading the first form I was
put at ease slightly. It was a good example of why I
have grown to love this country. The first form was
titled: What Do I Do Now? followed by four lines,
each with with option of how to handle your summons.
Option #4, which was obviously the one I chose,
stated: "Do nothing. We do not recommend this."
However ominous, I was touched that they included an
option for people like me. Then, I found the "means"
form, which was, hands down, my favorite form of all
time. Reading through it gave me a hearty laugh and
did wonders for the Irritable Bowel-like symptoms that
gripped me at the thought of the mess I had created.
Because you are charged a fine based on income and not
severity of crime or a standard penalty, you must fill
out a form informing the court of not only your
income, but, thankfully, your expenses as well. So,
like a simple math problem, you write your monthly
income in the blank and then fill in the outgoing
bills as well. There are blank lines for things like
rent/mortgage, gas and electric expenses, car
payments. However, the best part is when you get to
the lines where you fill in how much you spend on
lottery tickets, cigarettes and alcohol! Man, I need
to develop a few more vices. Or, as my friend Cindy
commented, is there a line for haircuts and facials?
Honestly, knowing I was dealing with a system that
feels gambling, alcohol and cigarettes are legitimate
expenses settled my nerves. Certainly they'd take
pity on me. Sure, one of the kids wouldn't be able to
go to college because of the financial penalty, but
hopefully I wouldn't be doing hard time in maximum. As
it were, J took the morning off work, drove me to
the court house in Wiltshire and was VERY specific
about what I was to say (Not altogether truthful, not
altogether untruthful. I might add, he insists I
didn't listen very well to him-a somewhat reoccurring
complaint-because he claims I made up my own version
of half truths, which at some point, could probably be
safely considered lies). In any event, smiling on the
other side of the bullet proof glass window, I poured
on the Stupid
American-just-trying-to-make-sense-of-my-newly-adopted-country-I-love-so-much
("Who doesn't like rain?") charm and it all worked
out. I walked away with a £60 fine and no jail time.
I call that a very good day.

With love from England,
T